Bibliotheca: Living Spaces

 I've been experiencing post-con crash after Katsucon (more on that in another post), but I still wanted to squeeze in a Bibliotheca post for the prompt "living spaces", because the spaces in which I live are an important and difficult-to-navigate topic. This gets very personal and touches on mental health, so it may not be worth reading for everyone.

The first time I went to a therapist, at the tender age of 11, they scribbled a note about ADHD and then told me to just clean my room. People with ADHD often have trouble keeping things neat for many reasons, including executive function issues and difficulty establishing routines. Telling someone to 'just clean their room', however, is not a therapeutic method of helping with these issues, and is actually a half-step away from punishment. Not only did my room not get cleaned, but the experiences around this time told me that my untidiness was a moral failing instead of a solvable problem. 

That shame still follows me. My living space is too small for all the things I have, most of which are clothes or books. I don't invite people over, I don't show off photos, and I have very limited space to navigate. As fashion became my armor, shame and disorganization became my fortress. Depression and messiness made me spiral further and further into despair as things at home literally piled up.

The pandemic only worsened things. Trapped more than ever, I started to see my room as inescapable. I thought I would never be a real adult, would never have a home worth living in, and could never have close friendships due to the inability to invite people over. 

In some ways, I still believe these things. 

But what does this have to do with my living spaces, as the topic is? Simply put, at this point, my living space is a large and disorganized wardrobe, and I do not have enough space to get it organized. I put work in towards taming the mess, but it's draining and often takes a backseat to my actual paid work. I think I'm making progress, but it's disheartening to see how much work goes into a little improvement. 

I now have a Master's degree in Library and Information Studies, so I've studied organization pretty extensively in that way. The issue is not that I don't want to be organized or that I am inherently bad at organization, it's that I'm dealing with the future, the present, and the piled-up strata of the past with every step. It's just too much, and from that first therapy visit, I've been trained to hate every second. 

And so the real goal, and the advice I'll give, is to find joy in organization where you can. I'm nowhere near ready to show off my room, but rolling my OTKs nicely or finding my mini-hats a new home brightens the dull and troublesome process. If anyone reads this, get your shit together as much as you can, while you can. Also, don't buy Bodyline lucky packs or anything similar, you'll never get rid of that shit. 

I'm not happy with my living space, but I am making progress, and I'm fighting the shame of the past, and I think that's enough for now. Life is a work in progress, after all.